What TV Teaches Us About Marriage: Home Improvement

We continued our series of what TV has taught us over the years regarding marriage. This week was Tim Allen's Home Improvement. This was a funny TV show that centered around the foolishness of the husband/father and the common-sense of the wife/mother.

The meat-and-potatoes of the class was focused on Mutual Faith. This would seem to be common-sense and even common-place, but this may not be true for many of us. While going over a quick exercise, Nelly and I found some differences in what we find important in regards to our walk.

The class demonstrated 2 ways marriage can be like our relationship with God:

• Faithfulness
• Forgiveness

We also went over steps to get marriage spirituality in synch:

• Respect your partner
• Recognize your shared values
• Pray for your partner

The piece that I most enjoyed was a simple question: Are there certain ways you have discovered to use your partner's gifts to over-come your weakness?

This really spoke to me. One of Nelly's greatest strengths is her compassion. She truly has a heart that is wrapped in caring - so much so that she takes on too much at times. She is always there to remind me of what is truly important. This is not to say that I'm a heartless grinch, only that it's easy to get caught up in the day-to-day and small, yet important, things can slip. She is always there with a gentle reminder for me.

Another part of the class that was thought-provoking was the talk of "wives submit to your husband." Nelly and I went to the "Love and Respect" seminar and it was a game changer. There is much to be said about submission, and one of my friends has written a great post. She is a believer, a great writer, and a great person. This is her post on "Why I am a Submissive Wife."

It really is  a great read and what better way to hear it than from a wife walking with Christ?

Praying for us all. Hope to see you next week!

What TV Teaches Us About Marriage: The Cosby Show

I remember this series when it was actually on air - maaaaaan that was a long time ago! That's when TV was clean and sweaters were all the rage. I may have had a stylish haircut to accent my acid-washed jeans back then too.

Cliff and Clair Huxtable had a great family and all problems were remedied with humor. Great times! Here are the things that "The Cosby Show" taught us about marriage:

• You can get away with anything if you know how to tell a good joke
• You can teach every child in the house a lesson every week and still be fun to live with
• Kids will always create problems

How nice if this mirrored reality....but our lives our not a sitcom.

This week we  dug into conflict - managing and resolving it. We also discussed how conflict can add to intimacy while being careful to not let it destroy the relationship.  This is a thin line, but is possible.

Conflict resolution is something that Nelly and I take very seriously - I know, hard to believe that we take anything seriously. To think that we will not argue in our married lives is foolish. We are human and that means we will make mistakes. We will not purposely hurt our spouse or step out of line, but it is bound to happen. To combat this, we had to "Learn How to Fight."

I had written on this a while back and welcome you to see how we go about resolving conflict in our marriage: Rules of Engagement

Can't wait to see you all next week. Stay strong through the week and remember to use the tools outlined in class to minimize conflict in your marriage.

What TV Teaches Us about Marriage: Everybody Loves Raymond

New haircut. New shoes. New series. The young pastor maybe on to something...

I really enjoyed this week's lesson and am looking forward to the series. A twist on one of the funniest sitcoms to hit the airwaves; Everybody Loves Raymond was used to explore possible views of marriage based on TV shows.  With some tongue-in-cheek, we hit a few points off the bat:

• Husbands are ALWAYS in trouble
• Wives are ALWAYS very sensible
• Parents of married couples are ALWAYS wacky
• There is no problem that can't be solved in 30 minutes

After going over the above list, I wondered if the writers were genius or just had a hidden camera in my house. The list states, simply, the entire basis  of the TV series. If you have seen any episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, it's easy to draw some comparisons to your own marriage.

Maybe we would like to believe that Everybody Loves Raymond can be our life - the crazy family, the loving wife, the foolish husband, the great kids...and we can solve our issues in 30 minutes. The truth is that God's clock is not our clock; we may need to be patient and work through issues over days, weeks, and maybe months.

The show is fun and is maybe a caricature of what our marriage is; but not what it is intended to be.

Diving further into where we should be, we hit the "Love Triangle." Now don't be worried...I too thought that this was going to take a turn that we didn't want to discuss...especially in church! The Love Triangle is a concept where 3 sides of equal importance make up a marriage: Passion (biological), Intimacy (emotional), and Commitment (super-glue of marriage).

The latter half of the class went over strong practical applications of keeping the flame lit. Of all the points made, I found the underlying message summed up in a single word: cultivate.

We hear this word from time-to-time and just add it to the bag of tricks, but I think it is much more than just a phrase. Any seminar on relationship will speak of "cultivating the marriage." We all nod and move on to the next point, rarely pausing and understanding what this truly means. A farmer cultivates land to raise crops. It means, to me, that there is a lot of planning, preparation, intention, and HARD work involved. To get the very best of what the ground can give, they need to be mindful of how it is used, study it, really know how to get the most of the soil to produce the best possible crops.

If I need to "cultivate a relationship based on passion, intimacy, and commitment," then I better be ready to go to battle. I should not take this lightly and fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants. I should intentionally make preparations, planning carefully, and executing wholehearted.

I pray that we all take advantage of the practical applications listed below to "Cultivate the Love Triangle:"

1. Passion:
1. Practice meaningful touch
2. Plan mutually enjoyable experiences
3. Compliment your spouse daily
2. Intimacy
1. Spend time together
2. Listen with a 3rd ear (not just the facts but the emotional tone of the message)
3. Focus on shared interests
3. Commitment
1. Value your commitment
2. Meet your partners needs
3. Prize your partner's promise

The New Rules: If I Were You

An amazing day today. 10 years later, yet we all remember September 11th. I would be remiss to start this post without expressing thanks and gratitude - to our service members, first responders, firefighters, policemen, port authority members, to the crew and passengers of flight United 93: We will Never forget.

Today's class was a mix of review, practical actions, and color commentary. We are continuing our "New Rules" series. To serve as a review, here are the quick bullet points:

• In Marriage we made promises we were not prepared to keep
• Prepare to keep commitments
• The paths you choose trump the commitments you make

 As mentioned, some actions were outlined. But I want to explore a different route;  I'd like to spend some time on a point made about addictions.

To paraphrase: if you concentrate on what you are NOT going to do...that's exactly what you'll do. If you decide to give up junk food, and all day you think about the cheeseburger you are not going to have, well by Friday I'll be seeing you at Country Burger.

The better approach is to focus on what you could be doing with your time instead of what you have been doing. If you spent hours at the bar drinking, think of the time you can spend with your spouse.

I'm not addicted to anything besides my smokin hot wife, but this did get me to thinking. I'm an All-Star husband and great dad (and I'm humble too). I know that I can do things differently; be better. I want to be a SUPER STAR husband and father. I want to be Shaq of early 2000's or Jordan of the 90's. For you ladies, I want to the Dr. Phil of marriage...not Maury Povich.

So instead of thinking what I needed to NOT do, I decided to look at myself and think how can I change how my time is spent. A couple of quick changes for me are going to have great impact:

• So that I can spend more time with Nelly
• Cook meals at home together
• Make time to find a sitter for date-nite
• So that I can spend more time with the kids
• Study and write (blog) after the kids are in bed
• Wake up a little earlier to help out with getting the kids dressed and fed
• To get this looking good again
• Wake up early 2 times a week to hit the gym

For me, these are simple, quick ways that will change my relationship with my children and spouse. It's a quick fix to getting my health back in order. The extra time alone in the morning will allow me to focus on prayer time.

Today's lesson helped me find ways to focus on the right pieces for my marriage and make simple effective changes.

The New Rules: The Right Person Myth

The weekend started off with a BANG!The Grind is kicking off a new series - New Rules for Marriage, Family, and Life. Today's topic: The Right Person Myth.

Two things were stated up front:

1. This series is for any body that wants to stay together "till death do us part." If you are not truly vested in this or simply going through the motions, no one will benefit
2. This series is based on a pastoral discussion around "what do you wish you knew before you got married?"  This is looking at relational issues prior to marriage...that carry over

Much was said and many points were made around this mythical "right" person. We all laughed and thought back to those moments when we said, "You don't understand! No one has EVER loved me like this...and I have never loved any one more! You just don't get it!"  Ah, to be young and feel love's keen sting. We explored how most view marriage troubles today; that we do maintenance on the institution of marriage instead of fixing the relationship. An underlying theme through this was your present will be your past and will be present in your future. I take this as meaning, "If your junk was broke before you got married, your junk is gonna be broke after you marry."

It is true that so many people today think that the magic ring will change everything. If she parties with her friends now, she will when she's married. If he is drinking with his buddies at the bar today, I know where to find him the weekend after the ceremony. If she spends every holiday with her family, then she is expecting to be there Thanksgiving and you better be happy about it. If neither of you were good at relationships before you got married....well, you better stay for this whole series.

The closing of the class tied it all together with some practical home work. We all have a card to reference during our date night. This will be awesome.

1COR 13:4 -7 Oh man I love this passage! It was read at our wedding - how very appropriate yet cliche. Perfect. When we looked over this, Nelly and I laughed. To give you a couple of examples, here are 2 quick looks at us:

DURING CLASS
Jessie Prince to the class: You shouldn't do anything that brings shame to you, your spouse, or your family
Nelly whispering to me: Eeeeee...you're blog [not this one, but my personal ridiculousness]

ON THE DRIVE HOME
Nelly: I still need to see the directory picture of the co-worker you're traveling with this week.
Me: Nelly, love doesn't envy. So I'm going to be patient while you work on it. How very kind of me. And, I'm not going to ask for a high-five because love shouldn't be boastful. Can you please give me my card so I can mark off some stuff? Man, this is gonna be EASY!

JP said it best with this one line - it's about becoming one.  I pray that each couple works on being the spouse that God has called us to be. By being faithful to God and making some changes internally, our relationship with our spouse will grow strong.

So What's Next... (review of Sunday, Aug 21)

I didn't make it to The Grind on Saturday, but I showed up bright and early on Sunday morning! Though I wanted to attend the "Bob Good Seminar," I really needed to hear Jessie Prince's message today.

The over-all topic was "What to do when you've grown stagnant with your walk with Christ," or in other words, "So What's Next?"

JP spoke with conviction and fire while hitting 6 main points:

1. You are never so far gone that you can't find what God has for you
2. You must begin doing the things of God
3. Take time for humble soul searching
4. Learn what God said for sure
5. Don't be blind-sided by spiritual struggles
6. If you allow it, God will strengthen you during the down times

This message was full of awesome sound bites...it would behoove me to mediate upon some:

• His Will does not take you out of bounds
• God's grace is sufficient for EVERY circumstance
• We tend to focus on the end-game and forget the steps it takes to get the victory
• God will reassure you if you give him time to
• People are strategically placed in our lives
• If prayer doesn't change the circumstance, it will for sure change you

Even outside of the context, the above "blurbs" carry weight. Yeah, The Prince did awesome today.

2 of the pieces that really jumped at me:

"Take Time for Humble Soul Searching" - wowzers! So, I have been doing a little digging lately...but when I walked out of the darkness and saw the blinding light of my inadequacies and faults...well that just hurt. To be honest, I know that I need to change. I need do better in every facet of my life. I have a short list of things to hit quickly then a long list of "fixer-upper" work that I have to do on the inside.  Have I ever told you how thankful I am that we serve a forgiving God? Without his grace, I would be crushed.

"If You Allow it, God will Strengthen You During Down Times" - when this is over, I should be roughly the size of the Incredible Hulk. I'm sure most of us have heard the story of the man pushing the rock. If not, here is a VERY quick recap: A sick, weakly man was praying when God spoke to him. God told him to go outside where he would see a massive boulder. Every day and every night the man was to push this rock. Every day and every night the man did so. For days, then weeks, then months - he pushed with all his might all day and all night; only resting to eat and sleep. One day the man begins to doubt God and the devil arrives. The devil tells the man, 'Your God has told you to push this rock and you have done so every day for months...yet the rock has not moved. If you bow down to me, I will give you the strength to crush this rock!' The man considers this but does not give in. Instead he prays to God and asks 'why?'  He tells God, 'I have pushed on this rock day and night, yet it has not moved...not even 1 inch! Why have you sent me on this impossible task of moving this rock?'  To that God replies, 'I never asked you to move the rock. I asked that you push the rock. You have done so. Day and night, only resting to eat and sleep. Now look at yourself. You are stronger than you have ever been. your arms, back, chest, and legs are hard with muscle.'

When we go through our struggles, it is so that we can learn something and grow spiritually. God does not give us more than we can handle. This does not mean we will not hit low points. It's then that we should be holding onto God's words and know that we will be stronger when we have come through.

Please feel free to share some of what you learned or thought about this weekends class.

The Way to Live: Pop Quiz

What a great weekend! The temperature has dropped. It rained. AND, after weeks of vocal rest, Jessie Prince returned to lead the class (with a fresh haircut).

Deviating from his planned outline, he hit the class with a pop quiz.

These questions were on his heart:

1. What are the dangers of success?
2. What are practical ways to build a life of significance?
3. What role does the church play in significance?

This was a group exercise, but I have never been one to speak for others. So....here are my answers :)

1. Most people mentioned that we forget God when we're doing well. We tend to believe we've succeeded all on our own - with no one's help. I agree that it's a dangerous path to forget that without God, we would not have the ability or capacity to truly succeed. My first thought around this question was different. The first thing that hit me was, "People fall into an apathetic state of mind i.e. I've reached my goal so now I can sit here and take it easy." I don't mean this in the business sense of not having a drive to succeed. I didn't even think about work or money when it came to "success". I think that if we rest in our spot (where ever or however we define success), we aren't open to doing what God is calling us to do. We are missing out on blessing others if we aren't moved to fulfill God's plan in our lives.

2. This was the highlight of the class for my group! I got to tell my Chuck Norris story. Carlos Ray Norris, 6 time Karate champ, film icon, and Walker, Texas Ranger - a real man's man. I had seen a documentary on him years ago. The one thing that I remember was a very short clip of his mom: she would pray over him every night - that the world would see God's Glory and Might in all that he did; in all of his accomplishments that he would never forget the One that deserved thanks and praise. That has stuck with me for years and it is how I pray over my children. I think that a practical way to build significance it to pray.  Pray for others.

3. I could write a book on this last one...but I'll just give a few examples. When Nelly was in the hospital for a week, it was our church family that stepped up. My kids quote scripture and tell each other bible stories. My best friends are all from GOC. I've been allowed to write this awesome blog for our class. In short, the church's level of significance is seen in assistance/teachings/relationships/community/volunteering.

Thanks to JP for the chance to look inwards. Thanks to Julian for the lesson plan that we didn't use.

See you all this weekend!

Lessons From the Brooks Family

The Brooks Kids are in the HOUSE! Actually, they played to a packed "house" - I assume we all showed up to hear gossip about Pastor Gerald and Mrs. Geni. That didn't happen, but...Wendi, Kayci, and Cody did share what they've learned from their parents about marriage.

In a round-robin fashion, the "kids" all took turns explaining Biblical virtues of marriage and how they've seen this in action while observing "mom n dad."

There was a vast list, but this is what I was able to scribble during the presentation:

• Modeling Christ's love
• Honoring each other in words and actions
• Be a generous giver
• Consistency is key
• Pray together
• Share purpose
• Compromise

When I first thought about this post, I had started to think back on some of what I learned from my parents. I was going to write out a list and 1-liners, then I thought, "what are my kids going to say about Nelly and me?"

Nelly is quick-witted and I'm generally ridiculous - this is perfect because we love to laugh. That's the piece of us that the world sees. We connect at a much deeper level. We are Cleopatra and Mark Anthony. Lancelot and Guinevere. Paris and Helen. Wait a minute! Those are all "adulterous" relationships!  Better said: I'm Rocky and Nelly is my Adrian. I pray that my children understand how very much in love we are and that with God first, all things are possible.

One of the lessons that Kayci mentioned was "going the extra mile," or the way that Mrs. Geni likes to say, "putting an umbrella in it." This is a simple yet powerful way of showing your spouse how much you truly care. It's easy to get your honey a glass of water, but putting a little umbrella in there shows that you care to make them feel special.

Check this out:

Now...Did Kayci have to get me this can-o-lays? No. Does she know that BBQ are my favorite flavor? No. Did she have to write me a sweet note and add an umbrella? Absolutely not! And she didn't...this is a pic that I got from young pastor Jessie. He sent it to 1-up me.

Kayci is putting into action what her parents modeled. We'd like to hear stories or see pics of how you "put an umbrella in it" for your spouse or how he/she did that for you. We'd also like to hear any general thoughts/comments on this class.

Let's keep the discussion going.

Simple Secrets #2

If you show yourself friendly, you'll find a friend

There are times when life seems to be more than we can handle. The stresses of life, like a well trained ninja, are always poised to strike. Without the right safeguards we can fall prey to anxiety and depression.

Our latest session was a continuation of Simple Secrets of Happy People. The young pastor went over 3 points:

1. Happy people cultivate friendships
2. Happy people share of themselves
3. Make your work your calling

The importance of friendships is what stuck out to me this week. Of all the things we chase on this planet, relationships maybe the most undervalued.  Sure I have hundreds of "friends"on Facebook and thousands of "followers" on Twitter (and possibly millions of readers) - but how many true relationships do I have? Serious relationships? Grounded relationships.

Cultivating a true friendship is not always easy nor is it a 1-way street. Relationships that matter will hit rough patches. You'll be challenged. You'll be tired. You'll be stretched. The great thing about being a believer in Christ is knowing that it's not always about you. Maybe it's your friend that needs a shoulder to cry on or a word of encouragement. Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up. The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. Prov 12:25-26

I have some close friendships that truly bring me joy. Yes, there is give and take. Sure, we don't always see eye-to-eye....but I know who to call when I feel the world on my shoulders. I know who is going to do a victory dance with me. I do the same for them.

This world continues to do all it can to bring me down. I do not face problems alone; I face them with God on my side and believers next to me.

Simple Secrets

con·tent    
[kuhn-tent]
–adjective
1. satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.


Proverbs 19:23
New International Version (NIV)
 23 The fear of the LORD leads to life; then one rests content, untouched by trouble.


After months of vacation, we welcomed Jessie Prince back to The Grind - he was missed dearly (mostly by me). The young pastor came out swinging with this weeks' lesson: Simple Secrets of Happy People.

We went over 4 points:

1. Happy people are content with what they have
2. Happy people do not harshly criticize family and friends
3. Happy people laugh
4. Happy people do not deflect their pain

The above list is an over-simplification of the discussion in class. Many truths were exposed in a short amount of time. It made me reflect on the joys of my life.

We had small group discussions then some "show and tell" sharing with the class. What really took me back was the frame of mind I've been in for so long. Those that know Nelly and me can tell you about some pretty rough personal times. Through it all, we have always been able to laugh. For the most part, I'm a happy guy. I find joy in VERY simple things. For a moment, I thought this was because I'm a simple man. That still may be true...BUT...I think my personal trials have changed my perception. I find joy in little things - music, dancing, close friends/relationships, dancing...

Others shared really deep thoughts around "what brings us joy." Some ideas mentioned were paying off debt, helping others, giving all that you have to a just cause. My list consisted of shuffling.

The truth is I'm here, Nelly is alive, and our kids are healthy. We weren't always sure about any of that. We have been through some painful times; we have faced it head-on and we continue to overcome the odds. He heals the brokenhearted and binds their wounds -PSA 147:3.  That allows me to laugh and be generally ridiculous. I am content with my wife and children - the rest is gravy.

NEH 8:10 Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”

Praying that you seek and find your peace today.

Love, After All

This last weekend we were blessed to have Mrs. Lael Melville speak to our class - she rocks socks!

Because I've been married longer-than-a-day, I know to NEVER speak on behalf or in place of a woman. So, I'm not going to rehash/paraphrase her message; on my best day, I couldn't interpret all that Ms. Lael has to say.

This is my basic understanding or the message:

Lack of obedience leads to pain. Pain, by way of choices and decisions, leads to correction. We should redefine pain as something we need to go through to get to Love i.e. obedience opens our hearts to God's Love.

There were SOOOO many different hard hitting topics/subjects/talking-points that were covered....I'd need a book and not a blog post to do it any justice. Since Jessie Prince doesn't allow me to speak in class (a wise decision) I'd like to share a small piece of what really stuck to me.

Obedience. The word just sounds harder than Chinese math, doesn't it?. Speaking, or writing, about obedience has been on my heart for a very long time - probably because it's where I need to focus. I remember talking with my wife, Nelly, about this topic 5 years ago. I had to make a simple phone call. I didn't want to make that call, but I felt moved to do so. I tried to talk myself out of it. I just didn't want to do it. I even thought that the person I was calling wasn't going to answer. I had this "gentle nudging" that wouldn't go away. I wasn't going to be allowed to not make the call.

In that instant, it had hit me. The conversation that may or may not happen wasn't important .It was simply important that I dialed the number.. Something so trivial  Just letting someone know that I'm thinking of them. You see, when we allow the Holy Spirit to guide us, the impact that have on others is more profound that we can imagine. When we are obedient, God can do his wonders through us. We never know how far a small gesture of kindness will go. We've all had days when we feel the world is against us; but we receive a quick text or email or call...and it turns our day around. We feel that someone cares about us. That's God letting you know that you're not alone.

I love how Moi, a Christian band, explained obedience to a church where they were leading worship. Simply put, our obedience pleases God.

It is a simple but profound truth. Ms. Lael had said she learned how to walk from her mom; she picked it up nuances and habits of her mother.

That's where obedience to Christ should live - in the nuances, in the subtleties of who we are...in our every day lives.

Please feel free to discuss/share what you got out of the class. Again, many thanks to Ms. Lael for her awesomeness.

For Better or Worse

At times we all feel we are living the second half of our vows:

• For Worse
• For Poorer
• For Sickness

And I don't remember seeing anything in there about dealing with kids or in-laws...

Despite all the wonders of marriage that can sometimes seem like God is cursing us for past mistakes (thanks Adam), there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Though the world wants us to believe that nothing can get better; Jesus came to give us life in a way we never knew possible, JOHN10:10.  This applies to all areas: work, finance, health, parenting, and MARRIAGE. Yes, God's gifts apply to our everyday lives - my spouse and kids.

Here in The Grind, we explore biblical teaching and practical lessons that help us in our daily journey. Some of the classes that I've enjoyed and grown from:

1. Managing Marital Conflict
2. Communications Seminar
3. Marriage.Money.Hope

What are some of your favorite memories/classes/reasons for enjoying The Grind?

Every day is a challenge - that just means everyday is an opportunity to win! God bless